Lecta

I wanted to feel pretty today.

I spend all day around women who feel pretty, women who are happy, women who are surrounded by love.  (I work in a Bridal Store.)  I am not that.  I feel ugly, and I feel completely friendless, devoid of people to talk to.  And I mean, talk about the real stuff, not just idle chit-chat.  

Instead of letting it boil, I come here where no one reads my thoughts just to get them out of me.

...Leaving me feeling emptier than when I began. Cue the wistful smile.

THE BACKSTORY: There's this little thing called Humans vs. Zombies, and in my chapter they were thinking about trying something new with the game.  I honestly think it's a stupid idea, and it'll be a train wreck.  Worse than that, this summer was going to be my last playing HvZ with this group because I'm moving in August.  Now, this chapter of HvZ has a Facebook group, and I posted on the wall that I wasn't really looking forward to being a guinea pig for my last HvZ game.  My post got deleted by a moderator.  I tried to re-post with different phrasing, suggesting that we try out the new stuff before summer when there are more people.  I really think it would work better to try it out with more people.  My post was deleted again, so I contacted the mod and he basically said he's trying to keep it a positive place and I'm always negative.  

Since when did expressing disappointment or dissent become something explicitly negative?  How can you call it a community if you're going to keep people from speaking their minds just because they disagree with you?  It feels like being rejected.  True, I'm not being disallowed from the group, but it makes me not want to be a part of this community at all.  I thought this was a place I could call home and feel comfortable expressing and being myself.  If I can't do that... then what's the point?  And besides, you won't get anywhere productive without a healthy debate.  Why the fuck would you want a bunch of sheep bleating consent?  A community can't grow that way.

I suppose I should thank him for making it easier for me to leave this behind when I move.  I just hope he doesn't alienate anyone else because they're not thrilled with his decisions.

Why is is slightly more satisfying to have things out in the world as opposed to internalized?  Like writing this journal where people can see it, though I know it won't be read.  Or like talking out loud to myself even though no one is in the house.  Maybe it's the possibility of being heard that makes it better than the unspoken.

So here I am again.  Same position as the last journal I wrote.  I had this crazy, wonderful, exciting idea that me and one of the people I know from online gaming would go travel abroad for a year.  I called my boyfriend it see how he would feel about it.  I wish that he could come with us, but seeing as he runs two businesses, I know he couldn't.  And he said "do what you want" which really means "I'm not okay with it, but I don't want to be an asshole and say no."  I tried to explain what my thinking was in the hopes he would think it wasn't really so bad, but to no avail, so I told him I wouldn't do it.  Then he had the bright idea to say "I wish you had close friends so you could still go."  Well gee, honey, you think I don't wish I had friends too?  You don't think that's the one thing I wish for every damned day?  Thank you for shoving it in my face, and reminding me that once again I'm punished for not having anyone else but you, dear.

I don't see it getting better.  What a fucking life.

- Lecta

Hello Nobody,

  I am writing because I am apathetic towards my schooling, and my mom yelled at me instead of helping, and my boyfriend is sick of hearing the same fucking thing all day long.  So instead of talking to "real" people I've decided to come here and speak to no one (since I know no one reads my journals or visits my page).  I just have no motivation to do well in school or even to do it at all.  I've been feeling pretty hopeless because I need help, either to realize what I want and what would make me happy or to regain my motivation for school, and no one can seem to help me.  Fantastic.  

  Also, it doesn't help that I have no friends since my best friend abandoned me and no new ones have come along.  So on top of being stressed out over my apathy, I'm extremely lonely.  Isn't that awesome?  I sure do think so.

That about sums it up,
Sarah/Lecta

My school year is winding down.  I'm feeling motivated to get everything done so that my last few weeks of school involve some minor studying and working on my last monologue for acting.  

   I've been writing a lot lately, but I wish I had a visual artistic talent.  And I wouldn't necessarily boast about my writing either.  It feels like there is a much larger community for visual art.  Perhaps because it's quicker to look at an image in under five seconds.  Everyone's always in a rush.

   But in any case, I'm ready for summer to be here.  I'm taking summer classes, so I won't have a nice long summer break, but I've got a couple weeks here and there to take advantage of.  

   Also, I've started therapy.  My first real appointment is on May 4th, and I'm excited to get moving with it, but at the same time I'm a little worried because of what I might find.  Still, I think it will be a good experience for me.  I'm hoping to learn about myself and how to keep my mind straight and analyze my situation without a best friend to help me (since I seem to be lacking one this year).  

   That's that, I suppose.  I hope all is well for everyone else.
- Sarah/ Lecta